Puppy, puppy, by the door,
Why’d you poopoo on my floor?
I lay there sleeping very well
When my nose was hit by a certain smell!
And now I cuss and swear and call you names –
While I clean up your poop, yet again.
Puppy, puppy, by the door,
Ah, the Internet. If you’re ever feeling smug, just spend a few minutes surfing random sites and you’ll quickly be chopped down to size… But what if you’re feeling down and blue and need some affirmation? Maybe you’d just like someone to tell you how awesome you are? Well, I have a solution for you!
Start a blog. That’s right. Start a blog. Turn on the comments. Post a couple of inane articles or thoughts. Then kick back and wait. In a couple of days, the spam-bots will have found your blog and will start filling the comments section with positive, though barely readable, tripe! Here’s a sampling of the 1,500 spambot comments that are awaiting my approval:
Christian Louboutin Madrid – “Appreciation to my father who shared with me on the topic of this webpage, this web site is really awesome.”
Air Jordan 3 – “Thanks for every other informative website. Where else may just I am getting that type of information written in such a perfect approach? I’ve a mission that I am just now operating on, and I have been at the glance out for such information.”
Sneakers Jordan (I’m guessing that he’s Air Jordan the 3rd’s cousin) – “Hi there! Would you mind if I share your blog with my myspace group? There’s a lot of folks that I think would really appreciate your content. Please let me know. Many thanks”
Nike Air Max 90 Hombre Baratas – “Your way of explaining all in this paragraph is really fastidious, all be able to simply be aware of it, Thanks a lot.”
how to lose – “This design is steller! You obviously know how to keep a reader entertained. Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my own blog (well, almost…HaHa!) Excellent job. I really enjoyed what you had to say, and more than that, how you presented it. Too cool!”
And it continues, ad nauseam…
It’s 0500, puppies.
Why are you awake?
It’s 0500, puppies!
Go back to sleep for heaven’s sake!
It’s 0500, puppies…
Why do you bark and whine?
It’s 0500, puppies!
Let me go back to sleep sublime!
It’s 0500, puppies…
Are you happy now? I’m up!
It’s 0600 puppies –
You are NOT taking a nap, little pup!
Noise. Noisy thing. Hurt noisy thing.
Noisy thing again. Look at noisy thing. Clock. Woman wants noisy thing off. Turn it off.
Gotta pee. Shuffle to the bathroom. Pee. Ahhh. Peeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Done.
Wash hands. Don’t know why but wash anyway.
Coffee. Need coffee. Shuffle into kitchen. Look at coffee maker. Stare at coffee maker. Glare at coffee maker. Remember how it works. Start putting coffee into basket. Spill half of it. Try to pick up spill and save it. Give up and finish filling basket. Drop basket. Swear. Fill basket with more coffee. Put in machine. Find power button. Blue lights. Blue lights are bright, hurt eyes. Push Brew button.
Shuffle back to bathroom, splash water on my face. Look in mirror. Realize that I get better looking every day. Dry face. Brush teeth. Bwush tunguh. Rinse and spit. Mouthwash. Swish-swish swish-swish GAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGLLLLLLL
Walk to the kitchen. Coffee is brewed. Dump out grounds. Walk to office, slowly descend stairs. Sit down and start computer. Stare at screen for 5 minutes. Log in. Stare at screen for 5 minutes. Look at email. Drink coffee. Pull up daily comics. Drink coffee. Read comics. Drink coffee. Someone is messaging me about a problem. Haven’t had enough coffee to be talking with people yet. Drink… Out of coffee.
Head back up stairs and go to coffee maker. Fill basket, put in machine, brew. Look at mess of spilled coffee grounds on the counter, clean them up. Coffee’s done. Grab cup and head downstairs.
Check Facebook. Drink coffee. Read email. Drink coffee. Start working. Drink coffee.
Keep working. Out of coffee. Phone rings – it’s the boss. Decide that she just missed me, grab coffee mug and head back upstairs.
Brew another cup of coffee. Realize that the coffee is working and go poop. Catch up on Words With Friends. Yell, “What the heck is ‘za’?” Look it up – it’s short for pizza. Mutter obscenities under my breath. Wash hands, grab coffee, head back down and call boss back. Coffee’s cold.
Ted Cruz has taken a stand against a free and open internet, saying that it will only hurt consumers. Ted Cruz is wrong. If you think that you should be able to access any website without having to pay extra money, if you think that you should be able to watch movies online without having to pay an extra fee to your internet provider, if you like the internet the way it is now, then you should support Net Neutrality.
Net Neutrality means that nobody who sits between you and the website you are going to can interfere with that. Comcast, Suddenlink, Cox, etc., can’t tell Netflix or Facebook that they have to pay extra because people want to access their site. It also means that little websites, like the GreenEggPage, which hardly anyone knows about, won’t disappear because we can’t afford to pay AT&T for access to their subscribers.
You see, you already pay for access to the internet. The websites that you are accessing already pay for access as well. What certain internet companies want to do is charge them more, because they can. It’s like the road construction company telling your grocery store that they’ll have to pay an extra “road access” fee for every car that comes into their lot. And if they don’t? We’ll just block off lanes so that there’s only one lane available to that store and people will go to the store that did pay the extra fee.
And don’t think that if Net Neutrality dies you won’t get burned. If Netflix (or Facebook or Amazon or whoever.com) has to pay extra, guess who will really end up footing that bill? Your Netflix subscription will go up. Prices on Amazon will go up. Employees of those companies will get paid less. Little sites will go offline. Sounds like it will really benefit the regular folks, like you and me!
I love Long Island Iced Teas. I’ve learned, though, that you want to take your time and enjoy them – otherwise, your body will remind you just how much liquor you have consumed… So anyway, our local Cheddar’s restaurant has a Texas Tea on their menu that is just awesome (and cheap)! And me being the Junior Alcoholic that I am, I had to go figure out how to make it.
You’ll need a 16 oz or larger glass for this – I use pint mason jars. First thing you’ll do is fill the glass halfway with lemonade. If you use powdered lemonade, that will be 1 rounded tablespoon of powder (check your directions to make sure) in 8 oz of water. Then add 1 oz of amaretto, 1 oz of vodka (taste doesn’t matter here – but you want something that won’t leave you hungover in the morning), and 2.5 oz of Firefly Sweet Tea vodka. Stir gently and add ice to chill. Make sure that you drink plenty of water before you go to bed – this one can hurt if you consume too much or too quickly!
Cheddar’s Texas Tea Recipe
- 8 oz lemonade
- 2.5 oz Firefly Sweet Tea vodka
- 1 oz vodka
- 1 oz amaretto
I hate quizzes that don’t give you all the information you need to answer a question. Like, “How would you get from one cliff to the other?”
I don’t know, how wide is the chasm? What’s the penalty for failure if I jump and miss? How difficult is it to go around? What alternatives are there? Are there materials to build a bridge? Can I take the cable car? Is there a can of Red Bull nearby that will let me grow wings?
There should be an option on the quiz to say, “Unable to answer, not enough information provided. Next question, please.”
I went for a walk
With my girl and a dog
And a cat that she called Clyde.
We walked in the park
And we walked in the mall
And we walked in the woods outside.
As we walked past a tree
I looked to see what I could see
And what I saw dang near gave me a fright!
‘Cause I saw three witches
And they scared me out of my britches
When they started talking to that cat named Clyde!
Well, I didn’t wait to hear
Because it all sounded kind of queer
And I just ran off into the night.
I heard the witches hoot and holler
As their broomsticks started to foller
In the moon’s glimmering light.
And the old man in the sky,
He looked down with one eye
And laughed to see such a sight!
Of me flying through the woods
As fast as I could
Whilst after me, those witches gave flight.
I came ’round a bend
And saw there, at the end
Of the road, a welcome sight –
‘Twas the door to my house
And I scurried like a mouse
To hide myself well inside.
I fled through the door
And slowly sunk to the floor
And felt the fear within me begin to subside.
That’s when I heard
The voice of my girl
Who had been walking by my side.
She was sitting in my chair
With some leaves in her hair
And stroking the cat that she called Clyde.
Clyde just grinned evilly
And I felt within me
A little part of me had just died.
Now I walk every night
With my girl and with Clyde
And with those three witches by our side.
We walk all the night
In the shimmering light
And we hold long conversations with Clyde.
©2014 David J Snyder
Yep. I done did it. I brought the GreenEggPage back.
I went out to the cemetery and started digging.
Not in the same places, but all over. I collected little bits here and there.
And then I broke out the SuperGlue™ and started gluing all those pieces back together. Randomly.
I ended up with this. It scared me.