The Smiling Man


The man gave his name with a smile. This irritated the woman. If she had to suffer through working as a nameless bureaucrat, why should other people be happy?


She said it as a statement, but smiling man knew that it was a question. He smiled again, enjoying the fact that he was making her uncomfortable.  “Consultant,” he said cheerfully.

“I can’t use that. I need something more specific.”

“Well,” he grinned, “how about Crisis Management Consultant? Or perhaps Interpersonal Relationship Consultant?”

The irritated woman shook her head “no.”

“I have to select what you do from a list. And none of those items are on the list.” She looked rather more annoyed now.

“You tell me, then,” he said. “I solve problems. People hire me to solve their problems.”

“You’re an analyst, then,” she glared as she clicked the mouse. A pile of papers poured out of her wheezing printer. She grabbed them and thrust them at the irritating man.

“Here. Take these to the next window. Have a nice day.”

With a gracious smile, the man thanked her and took the papers.

“Next, please!”

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You Don’t Deserve It

Some brutal truth.

You don’t “deserve” anything. Quit letting the TV lie to you – you don’t deserve a perfect smile or a brazillion dollar settlement or that new car. You don’t deserve to go into debt up to your eyeballs. You don’t deserve anything.

You have 3 fundamental rights – the rights to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. Notice that you don’t actually have a right to happiness. You don’t have a right to deserve it. You have a right to pursue it.

If you want that perfect smile or new car or insane settlement, can you have it? Sure. But you don’t deserve it. You deserve to be able to live your life how you please – as long as doing so does not infringe on other’s right to do the same. You deserve the right to be a free person. You deserve to be able to seek out what you think will make you happy (again, as long as you don’t infringe on other’s ability to do the same), but you don’t actually deserve what will make you happy. You have to work for that and earn it.

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An Ode to a Bottle

How much is that whiskey on the counter (glug glug)
The one by the name Glenlivet
How much is that whiskey on the counter (glug glug)
I sure like the sweet taste of it!

I dont want your Jack or your Crown.
Wild Turkey just doesn’t compare
I just want that whiskey on the counter
I think that we make quite the pair!

How much is that whiskey on the counter
The one in the bottle so green
How much is that whiskey on the counter
I think it should go home with me!

I must take a trip to get some groceries
And leave that sweet whiskey alone
Perhaps I should go ahead and take it with me
I think it would like a new home!

How much is that whiskey on the counter
The one in the nice whiskey glass
I drank all that whiskey on the counter
I hope that ZZzzZzzzz


by JD

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Puppy, Puppy

Puppy, puppy, by the door,
Why’d you poopoo on my floor?
I lay there sleeping very well
When my nose was hit by a certain smell!
And now I cuss and swear and call you names –
While I clean up your poop, yet again.

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Validation When You’re Down

Ah, the Internet. If you’re ever feeling smug, just spend a few minutes surfing random sites and you’ll quickly be chopped down to size… But what if you’re feeling down and blue and need some affirmation? Maybe you’d just like someone to tell you how awesome you are? Well, I have a solution for you!

Start a blog. That’s right. Start a blog. Turn on the comments. Post a couple of inane articles or thoughts. Then kick back and wait. In a couple of days, the spam-bots will have found your blog and will start filling the comments section with positive, though barely readable, tripe! Here’s a sampling of the 1,500 spambot comments that are awaiting my approval:

Christian Louboutin Madrid – “Appreciation to my father who shared with me on the topic of this webpage, this web site is really awesome.”

Air Jordan 3 – “Thanks for every other informative website. Where else may just I am getting that type of information written in such a perfect approach? I’ve a mission that I am just now operating on, and I have been at the glance out for such information.”

Sneakers Jordan (I’m guessing that he’s Air Jordan the 3rd’s cousin) – “Hi there! Would you mind if I share your blog with my myspace group? There’s a lot of folks that I think would really appreciate your content. Please let me know. Many thanks”

Nike Air Max 90 Hombre Baratas – “Your way of explaining all in this paragraph is really fastidious, all be able to simply be aware of it, Thanks a lot.”

how to lose – “This design is steller! You obviously know how to keep a reader entertained. Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my own blog (well, almost…HaHa!) Excellent job. I really enjoyed what you had to say, and more than that, how you presented it. Too cool!”

And it continues, ad nauseam…

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Puppies, Part One of Many…

It’s 0500, puppies.
Why are you awake?
It’s 0500, puppies!
Go back to sleep for heaven’s sake!

It’s 0500, puppies…
Why do you bark and whine?
It’s 0500, puppies!
Let me go back to sleep sublime!

It’s 0500, puppies…
Are you happy now? I’m up!
It’s 0600 puppies –
You are NOT taking a nap, little pup!

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Noise. Noisy thing. Hurt noisy thing.


Noisy thing again. Look at noisy thing. Clock. Woman wants noisy thing off. Turn it off.

Gotta pee. Shuffle to the bathroom. Pee. Ahhh. Peeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Done.

Wash hands. Don’t know why but wash anyway.

Coffee. Need coffee. Shuffle into kitchen. Look at coffee maker. Stare at coffee maker. Glare at coffee maker. Remember how it works. Start putting coffee into basket. Spill half of it. Try to pick up spill and save it. Give up and finish filling basket. Drop basket. Swear. Fill basket with more coffee. Put in machine. Find power button. Blue lights. Blue lights are bright, hurt eyes. Push Brew button.

Shuffle back to bathroom, splash water on my face. Look in mirror. Realize that I get better looking every day. Dry face. Brush teeth. Bwush tunguh. Rinse and spit. Mouthwash. Swish-swish swish-swish GAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGLLLLLLLLLLE spit. Rinse sink.

Walk to the kitchen. Coffee is brewed. Dump out grounds. Walk to office, slowly descend stairs. Sit down and start computer. Stare at screen for 5 minutes. Log in. Stare at screen for 5 minutes. Look at email. Drink coffee. Pull up daily comics. Drink coffee. Read comics. Drink coffee. Someone is messaging me about a problem. Haven’t had enough coffee to be talking with people yet. Drink… Out of coffee.

Head back up stairs and go to coffee maker. Fill basket, put in machine, brew. Look at mess of spilled coffee grounds on the counter, clean them up. Coffee’s done. Grab cup and head downstairs.

Check Facebook. Drink coffee. Read email. Drink coffee. Start working. Drink coffee.
Keep working. Out of coffee. Phone rings – it’s the boss. Decide that she just missed me, grab coffee mug and head back upstairs.

Brew another cup of coffee. Realize that the coffee is working and go poop. Catch up on Words With Friends. Yell, “What the heck is ‘za’?” Look it up – it’s short for pizza. Mutter obscenities under my breath. Wash hands, grab coffee, head back down and call boss back. Coffee’s cold.

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A Rant on Net Neutrality

Ted Cruz has taken a stand against a free and open internet, saying that it will only hurt consumers. Ted Cruz is wrong. If you think that you should be able to access any website without having to pay extra money, if you think that you should be able to watch movies online without having to pay an extra fee to your internet provider, if you like the internet the way it is now, then you should support Net Neutrality.

Net Neutrality means that nobody who sits between you and the website you are going to can interfere with that. Comcast, Suddenlink, Cox, etc., can’t tell Netflix or Facebook that they have to pay extra because people want to access their site. It also means that little websites, like the GreenEggPage, which hardly anyone knows about, won’t disappear because we can’t afford to pay AT&T for access to their subscribers.

You see, you already pay for access to the internet. The websites that you are accessing already pay for access as well. What certain internet companies want to do is charge them more, because they can. It’s like the road construction company telling your grocery store that they’ll have to pay an extra “road access” fee for every car that comes into their lot. And if they don’t? We’ll just block off lanes so that there’s only one lane available to that store and people will go to the store that did pay the extra fee.

And don’t think that if Net Neutrality dies you won’t get burned. If Netflix (or Facebook or Amazon or has to pay extra, guess who will really end up footing that bill? Your Netflix subscription will go up. Prices on Amazon will go up. Employees of those companies will get paid less. Little sites will go offline. Sounds like it will really benefit the regular folks, like you and me!

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Cheddar’s Texas Tea Recipe

I love Long Island Iced Teas. I’ve learned, though, that you want to take your time and enjoy them – otherwise, your body will remind you just how much liquor you have consumed… So anyway, our local Cheddar’s restaurant has a Texas Tea on their menu that is just awesome (and cheap)! And me being the Junior Alcoholic that I am, I had to go figure out how to make it.

You’ll need a 16 oz or larger glass for this – I use pint mason jars. First thing you’ll do is fill the glass halfway with lemonade. If you use powdered lemonade, that will be 1 rounded tablespoon of powder (check your directions to make sure) in 8 oz of water. Then add 1 oz of amaretto, 1 oz of vodka (taste doesn’t matter here – but you want something that won’t leave you hungover in the morning), and 2.5 oz of Firefly Sweet Tea vodka. Stir gently and add ice to chill. Make sure that you drink plenty of water before you go to bed – this one can hurt if you consume too much or too quickly!

Cheddar’s Texas Tea Recipe

  • 8 oz lemonade
  • 2.5 oz Firefly Sweet Tea vodka
  • 1 oz vodka
  • 1 oz amaretto
  • Ice
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Quiz Beef

I hate quizzes that don’t give you all the information you need to answer a question. Like, “How would you get from one cliff to the other?

I don’t know, how wide is the chasm? What’s the penalty for failure if I jump and miss? How difficult is it to go around? What alternatives are there? Are there materials to build a bridge? Can I take the cable car? Is there a can of Red Bull nearby that will let me grow wings?

There should be an option on the quiz to say, “Unable to answer, not enough information provided. Next question, please.”

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